If we were to pair a cobra and a mongoose, it might be reasonable to assume this wouldn’t be a match made in heaven. There is a school of thought that opposites attract and case in point, that could certainly be said about these two. However, physical characteristics aside, there are some more fundamental differences that potentially dampen the likely success of this union. Regardless of how manly and cuddly he may be to coil up with, Matty Mongoose may not be the most appropriate choice of partner for Corina Cobra.

I have some experience in this matter. Not with Cobras fortunately but with unions. After about ten years of marriage my ex-wife, the first one, wanted us to attend marriage counseling. I resisted (as I now realise), because I was afraid of what it might reveal.  Finally after many months I relented and to my surprise, found it was a life changing revelation for me. As if a thick curtain had been drawn back, light flooded into my dark, inner self. Counseling was affirming and empowering. I couldn’t return quickly enough. My ex-wife on the other hand, hated it! She immediately bemoaned it’s usefulness and after the second visit, bemoaning transformed into outright hostility.

What brought about such a paradoxical outcome? It was, the revelation of what really makes each of us what we are. Let me explain…

We have hints of this throughout life, we are drawn to some people and remain friends for life. Others come into our lives along the way and stay there close, or at a distance, wherever they fit. Some not so. We out grow them, they us, we move on, they move on…perhaps the gloss wears off or something happens that breaks a bond, removes trust, scours the fabric of our innate sense of morality or ethics. You know it when it happens, someone will do something that just doesn’t sit right with you. You might dwell on it, or file it away into the recesses of your mind but it sits there…and you know it.

The thing about non-partner relationships is that there is so much other “stuff” going on, distractions, time apart and no real need to explore what is different about each other, as most of time you are too busy enjoying life – so easily avoid it. If a big issue, then it may well fracture your friendship and you part, perhaps lamenting them, perhaps glad of their passing. However, in a marriage or a partnership, this may take on a different guise.

Your partner will do things that annoy you. If it’s physical you probably compensate – clean the drips from the floor in front of the toilet, scrape the hair from the drain hole, squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube, pick up the dirty undies, wash the dirty dishes, mow the lawns, clean out the car…whatever your differences you find yourself compensating or accepting or perhaps rejecting if those differences really matter to you. I pass no judgment but now understand the reasons why.

There may be more insidious issues that may gnaw away at you – the disparaging remarks about your friends, or worse, your family. The sanctimonious attitude or equally the unsophisticated shrug of the shoulders to something that has particular importance to you.  A division of political, social, religious or intellectual proportions. Even greater, a division of ethical boundaries – something that sits as a foundation to everything we do.

All of these differences and indeed myriads more can be glossed over and pushed to the side in the interests of the positive things in your lives, your commitment to each other, your busy lives forging a partnership. Then along comes children. So what changes?

We all know a child provides a sudden re-appraisal of lifestyle. Most people gloss over it thinking they are different and nothing needs to change if you don’t let it rule your life – but it does. Life revolves around the needs of a helpless, adorable being that is a part of you. Your flesh and blood, your DNA and that of your partners. This need not be genetic by the way. I’m adopted and know from my own experience that bonds can be formed that are every bit as strong, even stronger that some genetic ones. Your children are an extension of you and as such can take on greater focus than your partner. Hang on, what did I just say?! Well indeed it can be and is, in lots of cases, true. The bond you make with your child may compliment the one you have with your partner but it is also true to say, it may compensate for the bond you would like to have…

Unless you have the emotional intelligence and the strength of character to recognise the differences and act upon them, to work together (and it does have to be together); to accept these differences, to work at changing, to compensate, to compromise. This may succeed with issues of lesser emotional impact, such as house training and the like – but can it succeed with core values, our inner stamp, which remains hidden most of the time until an escalation has us reaching within, not realising what we will find. Which brings me back to our counseling sessions.

What was revealed for me was that my views, my convictions and my inner turmoil was real, justified and that I should act upon it and not repress it.

What was revealed for my ex-wife was we did indeed have distinct differences, irreconcilable ones as it turned out…and that I wasn’t to blame for those, nor was she. However she wanted to cling to a dream while I yearned for freedom from my inner turmoil and freedom to express my true self. Irreconcilable, yes. Sad, traumatic and ultimately destructive; bitter and acrimonious as it spiraled out of control. All revealed from one simple, constructive counseling session. All created by childhood.

So what was it that set this emotional time bomb ticking? It was revealed, as my counselor peeled back the layers of our inner most selves, our deep core formed by the union of nature versus nurture. We are the products of our personalities, ‘we’ for each of us, varies. It makes this wonderful existence and our inter-personal relationships so enlivening, entertaining, so rich and colourful. So what of our nurture? Well that is the interesting part. The real point of difference.

Each and every one of us from different families, were of course raised in different households with different parents. Each family imparted their views, ethics, morals and mechanisms for expression, passion, reservation, communication, resolution, argument…the list goes on. Our family environments in early childhood, those first seven years of life (or thereabouts) shaped how we now behave and react, our default reactions, our emotional responses which have been impressed into our personalities and define our persona. Did your mother or your father instill a sense of responsibility for your actions or pander to your tantrums? Were you guided to consider others or were your needs met above all else? Did your family avoid any discussion of issues or alternately happily engage differing points of views and try to resolve disputes – did you talk and debate, was your opinion considered and could you agree to disagree…or did emotive arguments ensue, followed by hysterics, or even worse violence?

When you understand that the family environment, the one which guided your childhood intellectual and emotional development, has in fact shaped the person you are today, you may understand your own behaviors, emotions, ethics and morals and the reasons for them. Equally you will be able to recognise those of others around you.

Most of us conveniently side-step this revelation until a child comes along. It is then that these imprints of values and ethics take on more importance than any other time in your life. This child is part of you, your flesh and blood (or emotional equivalent) is to receive your deepest and most heartfelt outpouring of love and values, your values. So when those values differ from those of your partner – well there is suddenly your child and an emotional elephant in the room. A glaring, unmistakable point of difference, which now matters more to you or your other, pretty much more than anything that has happened before.

If you and your partner share emotional intelligence and can recognise and articulate your differences, then you may be able to navigate your way through this perilous emotional passage. If you can’t reconcile those differences you may decide to accept and compensate for the other, for the sake of the union. This result potentially leaves you living with a win-lose outcome. You or your partner are conceding something that may eat away at your/their very core. Unresolved emotional turmoil churns away inside you and can be highly detrimental to your health. There is an established pattern which shows that stress induced changes to the immune system lead to ill-health and increase your chances of developing nasties like cancer.

The irony is that separating may provide the circuit breaker for your own stress but it doesn’t resolve your parenting differences. It actually magnifies them – you are unable to intervene as you now relinquish control over what happens to your children when they with your ex’ and of course, vice versa.

Adding a child to a relationship will expose your core values, your guiding principles that are rarely discussed and seldom articulated and explained prior to partnering or marrying. Who has ever experienced pre-marital counsel advising, ‘I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings – but you two are destined to failure…’

Friends may see it and express reservations; say ‘are you sure, really sure he’s right Corina?’

Of course you are; ‘Matty is sooo (sic) right for me – I know some people call him a Mongoose but he doesn’t behave like that at all’.

Nup, the realisation is never going to happen until it’s too late, is it? But who’s to say all that passion and emotional turmoil isn’t character building and life enhancing?

It’s just that despite the lustful hormones that are currently rushing through your bodies creating feelings of consuming passion, unparalleled sexual pleasure, intimate tenderness and above all a sense of true love and destined permanent union – you actually may end up hating each others guts with all the intensity and venom of a cobra and a mongoose!

Thanks to Meshel Laurie for the inspiration:  When parenting styles clash inside a relationship